Forgiveness is a process , and art of painful inner changes.

It is an art , an one does not exclude another - it is entirely possible and even common to forgive someone while still feeling hurt or experiencing emotional pain. Forgiveness is a complex emotional and cognitive process that doesn't automatically negate or erase the feelings of hurt or anger caused by someone else's actions. We can only commit to the process once we either understand its significance or recognise its benefits in other people’s life. My most reliable teacher of forgiveness lives through the pages of the Quran and in the global remembrance of his remarkable story of freedom from revenge, resentment, grief, and self-pity. His name is Prophet Yusuf. His destiny was threaded with episodes of betrayal and abandonment by his brothers, who threw him into a well and tradesmen who saw him as livestock; his masters who intrigued him and blamed him for their relationship issues and put him in jail; his prison mate who forgot to ask for his mercy the moment he got out of prison himself. Yusuf faced tremendous hardships of disappointment and loneliness only to find a new path to Tawakkul and detachment from his own expectations towards people. He needed the seclusion of prison to learn that, similarly to us, who also lock ourselves inside self-defense mechanisms of resentment and holding onto the past. Only a few of us eventually come out on the other side and are ready to say to our oppressors: 'No reproach on you this day; Allah will forgive you, and He is the most compassionate, the most merciful.' (Quran 12:92)"

Forgive but not to Forget not only is natural but also attitudes invites somehow justice into our inner needs of justice in this world but also innate mechanism of self-preservation and survival. In fact ability not to forget any harm, hurt and often abuse leads us to heightened self awareness and ability  to recognise red flags before any new harm cripes our way. Psychologically, remembering past offenses offers a choice of either developing a resentment or courage to move out form the past with forgiveness. Life after forgiving someone can be challenging as we realise that it is a process we need to revisit more than once however with new understanding, that it is crucial for personal growth and learning. Forgiveness helps in understanding one's own boundaries and in developing resilience. It also aids in cultivating empathy, as remembering one's own hurt can make one more compassionate towards others' sufferings and developing potential for our altruism, meaning readiness to give back.

Journey of learning how to forgive also teaches us a process of depresonalisation and changes the narratives we use to hold on so tightly too. When someone embarks on the journey of forgiveness, they often begin to see the actions of the person who hurt them in a more objective light. This depersonalisation helps in understanding the actions of others as a result of their circumstances, limitations, or traumas, rather than as personal attacks. It's a cognitive shift from a self-centered narrative ("This was done to hurt me") to a more nuanced understanding ("This person acted out of their pain or limitations").

It is bio psychologically proven that memories of trauma, stress and pain are passed through neurons in a form of vibration or emotion and serve as an information protecting us , preserving us by reminding us about the consequences. It can be thereof incredibly difficult to move on into  other side , the sphere of self responsibility and autonomy if we lived in scarcity mode for prolonged period of time. By altering these narratives from victim-hood to survivor-ship, or from anger to understanding, the process of forgiveness changes how individuals perceive themselves and their past experiences. It's about transforming a narrative of hurt and betrayal into one of dignity, self respect and trusting own intuition in decision makings.  

Neurologically, the human brain is wired to remember negative and  emotional events more vividly. This is known as the amygdala's role in emotional memory encoding. The act of not forgetting, therefore, is not just a conscious choice but also a neurological inevitability. The key is how one processes and uses these memories. Conscious forgiving however, there's a reduction in activity in the amygdala, a brain region associated with emotional responses, particularly fear and anger. Moreover, increased activity is observed in areas like the prefrontal cortex, associated with higher-order cognitive processes like empathy, perspective-taking, and self-control. This shift in brain activity corresponds with a reduction in the negative emotional impact of memories.

Forgiveness has been linked to better psycho-physiological outcomes. Research has shown that forgiveness is associated with numerous benefits, including lower levels of depression, anxiety, and stress, and higher levels of positive emotions. Studies have found that forgiveness interventions can lower blood pressure, heart rate, and cortisol (a stress hormone) levels, and improve immune system functioning. These changes reflect a reduction in the body's stress response, which is often triggered by negative emotions tied to unforgiving offenses.

Forgiveness, fundamentally, is a conscious decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance towards a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they truly deserve your forgiveness. This doesn't mean that the emotional impact of the harm vanishes immediately or completely. The process of forgiveness is more about altering your perception of the person who wronged you and relinquishing the hold that these negative emotions have over you. This journey empowers you to decide daily how your mental health hygiene practices will influence your inner world and perspective on the future, and also on God.

The Hadith Qudsi, "I am with My servant as he thinks of Me," invites us to reconsider the projections we make in our relationships. It is potentially harmful to our spiritual health if we lead ourselves to believe that our destiny includes unproductive challenges, and it encourages us to harbor negative thoughts about it and our Creator. The processes of empathy, altering narratives, depersonalize, and shifting mindsets ultimately guide us to a fuller understanding of the fact that: Indeed, Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful (Quran 5:74). This is how forgiveness can rise to its spiritual potential, connecting you with one of the essences of God. This journey is worthwhile, with every challenge and pain included in it.

Start your own healing Journey with AJ!

Here is a quick checklist to get you started with free therapy session. Remember imperfect action beats inaction, get started and keep re investing in your growth for Khair!

• Create your vision board

• Reflect on things which you know Must Go in order for your life to change

• Start planning your therapy sessions topics by Identifying what resonates with your Heart.

• Create an outline the list of your Eternal Life goals.

• Write down the conversations you normally have with your self, like if you were telling a story to a friend

• Pick the most disturbing sentences and connect them with emotions you feeling when you hear them

• Perform several Ibadah types consciously (taddabur, dua, prayers, sadaka, fasting) and Honestly reflect on what is it you experiencing and what is it that you were hoping to experience

• Write down reasons why some of your relationships broke down and be clear on your ways about it as well

• Have a courage to name things you appreciate about your self, or are proud of - or ask you family and friends to remind you

• Take 10 minutes to edit your list and BOOK A CALL WITH AJ !