Self Parenting Revised

"Whoever is guided is only guided for [the benefit of] himself; and whoever errs only errs against it. And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. And never would We punish until We sent a messenger." Al-Isra (17:15)

Maintaining a good relationship with parents is often emphasized in psychological research and Islam due to its significant impact on mental health and life satisfaction. The link between life satisfaction, well-being, and a supportive family environment, particularly the relationship with parents, is well-documented in scientific research. In our journey through Dunya, the relationship we share with our parents undeniably shapes a significant part of our identity, self esteem, reassurance of safety and belonging and overall life satisfaction. However, not everyone is fortunate enough to experience ideal parenting. While it's natural to yearn for better treatment or harbor resentment, there comes a point where we must take responsibility for our own well-being, fostering maturity and resilience, and moving past any deep-seated resentments that could potentially evolve into more disturbing pathologies.

The quality of parenting we receive plays a critical role in our mental health, behavior, and self-image. Traumatic or inadequate parenting can lead to a range of issues, from mental health disorders like anxiety and depression to difficulties in forming healthy relationships and maintaining a positive self-image.

If you are experiencing symptoms like these, it's important to ask yourself if they might be related to your past experiences, especially your relationship with your parents:

1. Attachment Issues: Poor parental relationships can lead to difficulties in trust and emotional security, often resulting in attachment disorders. You might find yourself exhibiting overly clingy (anxious attachment) or distant and dismissive (avoidant attachment) behaviors in your relationships.

2. Risk of Repetitive Traumatic Parenting: If you had traumatic parenting experiences, there's a higher risk you might unconsciously replicate these patterns with your own children, perpetuating the cycle of trauma.

3. Maladaptive Behaviors: Traumatic experiences in childhood can lead to maladaptive behaviors in adulthood, such as substance abuse, self-harm, aggression, or engaging in other risky behaviors. These often serve as coping mechanisms for unresolved trauma.

4. Mental Health Disorders: A history of problematic parenting can increase the risk of developing mental health disorders, including anxiety, depression, PTSD, and complex PTSD.

5. Challenges in Emotional Regulation: You may find it difficult to manage your emotions effectively, leading to mood swings, emotional numbness, or hypersensitivity to emotional stimuli. This can also manifest in struggling with stress management, contributing to anxiety and depression.

6. Self-Esteem and Identity Issues: Strained parental relationships can result in feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, a negative self-image, and a pervasive sense of shame or guilt.

7. Social and Occupational Challenges: Adults who experienced negative parenting might struggle with social interactions, maintaining employment, and achieving educational goals due to the psychological impacts of their childhood experiences.

8. Impact on Brain Development: Traumatic parenting can alter brain development, potentially increasing the risk of mental health disorders. This might include impaired memory, difficulty concentrating, and intrusive thoughts.

9. Impaired Cognitive Development: Negative experiences in childhood can hinder learning and intellectual growth. Conversely, positive interactions with parents are associated with healthier brain development, particularly in areas related to emotion regulation and social cognition.

10. Physical Health Effects: Stress from poor parental relationships can lead to physical health issues, including sleep disturbances, a weakened immune system, and other stress-related conditions.

11. Chronic Physical Health Problems: There is a link between childhood trauma and chronic physical health issues in adulthood, such as cardiovascular disease, diabetes, and autoimmune disorders, often exacerbated by stress-related physiological changes.

However, as adults, it becomes crucial to recognize that continuing to blame our parents for our current struggles, while understandable, may not be constructive. It's a complex process, but taking responsibility for our healing and growth is a significant step towards emotional maturity and well-being. A profound transformation in your mindset, moving you away from self-inflicted and habitual victim-hood, can be inspired by a newfound understanding of Quranic verses that encourage self-responsibility. Consider this verse from Al-Isra (17:15): "Whoever is guided is only guided for [the benefit of] himself; and whoever errs only errs against it. And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. And never would We punish until We sent a messenger."

Similarly, Surah Al-An'am (6:164) states: "Say, 'Is it other than Allah I should desire as a lord while He is the Lord of all things? And every soul earns not [blame] except against itself, and no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. Then to your Lord is your return, and He will inform you concerning that over which you used to differ.'" In this context, these verses may encourage you to embrace self-parenting, facilitating faster maturation and individuation processes. Amanah, or personal accountability and self-responsibility, are among the most noble virtues in a Muslim's spiritual journey.

Embracing self-responsibility in the context of our parental relationships is not about ignoring the wrongs or the hurt experienced, but about taking charge of our own emotional health. It's about understanding that while we cannot control the past, we can influence our present and future. Maturity comes from recognizing this power within us and using it to build a life of resilience, peace, and fulfillment.

The journey from resentment towards forgiveness and resilience is deeply personal and often challenging. It's a path marked by self-discovery, acceptance, and an unwavering commitment to oneself. By taking responsibility for our emotional well-being, we open the doors to a more balanced, healthier, and fulfilling life- you can let us support you on this journey by joining 5 Days Challenge : Birr Al Walideyn Secrets HERE

Start your own healing Journey with AJ!

Here is a quick checklist to get you started with free therapy session. Remember imperfect action beats inaction, get started and keep re investing in your growth for Khair!

• Create your vision board

• Reflect on things which you know Must Go in order for your life to change

• Start planning your therapy sessions topics by Identifying what resonates with your Heart.

• Create an outline the list of your Eternal Life goals.

• Write down the conversations you normally have with your self, like if you were telling a story to a friend

• Pick the most disturbing sentences and connect them with emotions you feeling when you hear them

• Perform several Ibadah types consciously (taddabur, dua, prayers, sadaka, fasting) and Honestly reflect on what is it you experiencing and what is it that you were hoping to experience

• Write down reasons why some of your relationships broke down and be clear on your ways about it as well

• Have a courage to name things you appreciate about your self, or are proud of - or ask you family and friends to remind you

• Take 10 minutes to edit your list and BOOK A CALL WITH AJ !